The Proudest Monkey

A Guilt Trip... Once Again.

2006-03-27T17:03:00.000-08:00

Just yesterday, I learned that my sister (a medical student), will have her graduation on April 23. Now the BIG problem is: my friend has already bought plane tickets for me and some others for Boracay on the 21st till the 25th!

My mom talked to me today about it and as always, the conversation led to a sensitive discussion about the importance of family versus the importance of friends. Months ago, this Boracay trip had already been planned by my best friends. I told them that I can't afford the trip this summer because my family just has a lot of expenses to be concerned about, and that a Boracay trip is just way too costly. My friend just won't accept this "excuse" - a week later, he tells me that he had already bought the tickets for me, and that I didn't have to pay for them. I was really surprised and deeply touched at the same time. That's just how much they want me to go with them. I told my mom about it a week ago, and there I learned that on the 23rd, my sister will be graduating - something she has worked soooo hard for. A once-in-a-lifetime experience that as my mom reiterated: none of the family should miss. Now I feel terrible - and I actually don't know what to do.

My mom tells me that she somehow understands the transitions in life her children undergoes. "Alam ko, tumatanda na kayo, at may mga sarili na kayong buhay, pero habang nasa poder ko pa kayo, sana pamilya muna ang pahalagahan bago ang iba."

My mom can play a really good guilt trip on me - maybe because I respect her a lot and I just have so much love for her. Maybe I feel for her - growing old, safeguarding the love of her children for someday, we will be the ones to take care of her.

I just don't know what to do now. All I know is that I might be hoping that this summer vacation would be over soon.

For The Love of Film

2006-03-17T17:53:00.000-08:00

The past semester had been very stressful for me, but I'm not complaining. I was able to write/direct my own short film! With collaboration with my friend Stan, we were able to accomplish this filmmaking task in less than a week. We were time-pressured and financially struggling, but we managed to finish it. It was really, really difficult. From pre-production to the production itself to post-production, we had little sleep and time for ourselves. But you know what, it was all worth it! Filmmaking is cool, and fun!

However, we didn't really have accurate technical information about short films. Because of time-pressure (though people say that people work more effectively when time-pressured), we weren't able to produce our own original music for the film, choose really good locations, and choose a really good editing house. AUDIOVOX, an editing house near the school, known for its highly commendable equipment and editing techniques, forgot about our appointment with them so we had to look for another editing house. Nevertheless, we managed to get by and make the best of what we had.

We had a film festival last Wednesday to have our entries judged by some independent filmmakers. We didn't win Best Picture but we're very proud of what we were able to accomplish in such a limited time. Our film's title is "Count:down", in where a man learns that he has only 24 hours to live, so he has to make really important choices, that shall be beneficial or detrimental to him. He is driven by his impulse, to experience the world in a day, though it risks destroying his morals, principles. Sulked in regret, he seeks redemption in the end, before he meets his Maker, to face his final judgment. We used a number of symbolisms in our film: an hourglass, a blindfolded man breaking free from bondage, two doors representing choices in life. Two films in our film festival reaped most of the awards, "Via Crusis" and "Mulat", both produced/written/directed by my fellow batchmates. Via Crusis (Way of the Cross), talks about a man who gets stalked by an unknown individual, watching his every move, breath, trailing behind his every step. Scared to death, he runs for his life. He keeps running and running until his stalker finally reveals himself. It is his soul; a truth he has always denied, and now, wants to be one with him. He is a homosexual who learned that for the world to accept him, he should be able to accept and appreciate himself first. Mulat, on the other hand is about an incest/rape victim, who, out of extreme hatred and depression killed her own father. The film takes place in only one location, providing a dark and "Psycho"-like atmosphere, with lots of close-up shots, eerie sound design, flashbacks and scenes being puzzled together to reach a shocking conclusion. Both films deserved the recognition, and I hope that they try their luck and submit their entries to National or International film festivals.

I have always loved film. Appreciating, reviewing, discussing it with friends who share the same interests. I'm grateful that we were given this opportunity to extract our innate talents in filmmaking. I was pessimistic at first, because of the limited time given to us, but this experience proved to me that nothing's impossible as long as your heart is in whatever you're doing. This summer, I will continue reading, writing and collecting my ideas. I might just be able to come up with a film project again, and I just can't wait! I'm loving film in a whole new level now.

Happy ValentiMe's!

2006-02-14T04:39:00.000-08:00

Just as I stepped one foot on the campus this morning, girls walked around carrying bouqets of flowers, boxes of chocolates and to be particular, Blue Magic paper bags everywhere. Students, professors, staff people, every Eve had gifts from their respective Adams. It's so refreshing to see that Valentine's Day is never forgotten, and un-celebrated. I was there smiling on my way to my first class.

I actually don't celebrate V-Day. Maybe because every Hearts Day, I'm single and available. Well, I have to say that I was a bit envious of the couples smothering each other, serenading each other as if they were starting all over again. Love was all around.

For me, Valentine's Day, just like the Christmas season, should be experienced daily. It really is mood-uplifting to see people spreading the love. I actually don't really care if I don't have my own romantic adventure, I indulged with what I saw, heard and felt today. To my family, friends, to the hopeless romantics, to the Romeos and Juliets, the secret admirers, Torpes and Pakipots, the love fools, the Casanovas and Cinderellas, happy happy Valentine's Day. Love generously!

Lazarus

2006-02-12T18:22:00.000-08:00

Oh my, it's been a lifetime since I last posted here! I'm such an embarrassment to the blogging community! Haha. I'm resurrected from the dead!

Anyway, I really don't have any valid reason for not updating my blog. I'm busy in school yes, but an hour or two of my time to write something in here won't hurt. Maybe it's also because school life is a bit monotonous - I don't want to write down daily musings about what I do in school because you will, undoubtedly, get bored. Hmmm what to write about...

2006 started for me just like any other year. My family don't do fireworks anymore, so the whole clan gathered just to eat, and watch the different New Year celebrations on TV. How fun was that?! Haha. Last 2005, I got to celebrate with friends but now, the evil parents just wouldn't let me - they tell me that I'm starting to slip away from them (which is not true!), so we just stayed at home. We had no choice but to stay home, because we had to keep the grandfolks company.

Recently, I found interest in wallclimbing. My friend invited me once, and since then, I've been climbing every week (weekdays I cannot, because of schoolwork). Last Saturday though, I hurt my left shoulder really bad. I think I pushed myself too much in finishing a really difficult route, I twisted (maybe tore?!) a muscle in my left shoulder. I actually can't specify what is really wrong, but all I know is that it STILL hurts and I can't fully move my left shoulder. Damn. Haha. I just hope that this week, I'll be in tip top shape again. It's really good workout - and nice to keep your mind off things for a while.

This year, I also got an iPod from my mom. It has become a necessity for a music junkie like me. I just cannot survive a day without a good beat in my head, poetry singing in my ears.

I haven't read anything recently though, except my school books of course. I just read something light lately - "Kokology" by Tadahiko Nagao. It's a book with different situations in it, questions that you have to answer to know about yourself better. I must say that a lot of the answers I gave were accurately assessed and it's a good way to re-evaluate yourself.

The last movie I watched was I think, Underworld 2. The movies that I really loved though were The Family Stone (just one of my favorite films ever), TransAmerica (Felicity Huffman is just one of the most influential actresses now), Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (the wit of this movie is just infectious!). I want to watch Munich soon, and Brokeback Mountain as soon as it comes out.

I realized that I just have to write as often as I can. In the future, I might just be pursuing the writing profession. Sometimes, I worry too much about writing intelligently - about writing something that will be interesting to everyone who will read. Now, I will just write and write and write. Streams of consciousness. Whatever the head will spill out, I will write.

Now, I need a cigarette. Catch you later folks :)

Just Not For Me

2005-10-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

One thing I learned about myself yesterday: I really, and I mean really, cannot live in the province. No TV, no computer, no clean bathrooms, no anything. Well, I guess it really doesn't apply to every residential area in the provinces. I mean, yeah, I can survive a week in the province, but to live there is just like putting me in a mental institution. Yesterday, I got back from Mabitac, Laguna, and maybe I'll rethink of going back there someday. Good thing I was with the company of my college friends or I may have lost my sanity.

Nevertheless, I still enjoyed our "barkada" trip. I think I rode the fastest tricycle ever - or was it just because in the provinces, there just is NO traffic. First time in my life did I eat sopas for breakfast, and literally ate from a rice cooker. Haha. One thing I also noticed was almost every house in the province, they weren't really structurally finished, and furnished. Basta malagyan ng bubong at masementuhan, OK na. Life is very, very simple, and the people are far from complicating their lives.

Last Monday night, I got unbelievably drunk. I just couldn't remember how much I was able to gulp in. All I remember is that when I woke up, I had lipstick marks all over my face, arms - and legs! Crazy. Haha. The next day, we went swimming. We went to this resort (I forgot the name, or I just choose not to mention, haha), and it was really the most disgusting resort I have ever been to in my life. There were little frogs (froglets? bigger tadpoles?) in the pool!! Yuucccckk! And you know what's really funny?? We still went swimming! Hahaha. I'm not a party pooper. We "handpicked" all of these crazy, slimy, little things and threw them out. Actually, we had fun - running around the poolside throwing frogs at each other. Haha, it was just not right.

Last night, my brother and I chose to go home, instead of staying for another night. We commuted from Mabitac, Laguna to Ortigas. We rode the longest jeep rides ever, and chewed on shingalings and banana chips to endure the trip. It was tiring, but really fun. It's nice to have a little adventure in our lives, from time to time.

Childlike Wildlife

2005-10-10T19:37:00.000-07:00

"The first thing an artist must recreate, before true art can be realized, is his own soul."

Three years ago, I was a zombie. No matter how many times you try to kill me, I just get up and walk aimlessly. I really didn't have a specific goal - I just limped my way through every single day. Now, I'm back to being human again. My life has direction - a bit unsure, but undistracted.

I'm officially on my second day of my semestral break. The past semester was a blast. I made really good friends - not perfect but real. I made it to the Dean's List in all grading periods, and for once in my life, I felt proud of myself. I had more time to meet with friends because I didn't have to worry about staying at home for the weekend to study, study and study. I guess life was pretty easy and manageable for me the past months, and somehow, I feel the need to be challenged.

"The real artist is measured by his ability to utilize misfortune in recreating the soul."

I guess the really successful people in our time now are the people who experienced a lot of trials in their lives - and how they managed to overcome them. I admit that I'm still a child. Sometimes, I'm worried that I am in a rush to grow old - to explore the world. A friend told me that I should cherish this time of my life - now that I'm still learning, being molded to the man I will soon be. People tell me that I'm still very much fortunate because I am still indeed, behind the steering wheel. I can still navigate my way into my not-so-distant future.

Maybe I'm just worried that my life won't turn out to be the way I imagine it to be. I'm afraid that someday, I'll regret a lot of things in my life - and it will be too late for me to redirect my life.

"At the birth of a child or a star, there is pain"

Soon I will be reborn. I can't wait.

Static

2005-09-07T05:39:00.000-07:00

I have no sentiments today.

I feel so controlled, normal, steady and relaxed. Routines, routines, routines. I miss being stressed.

I miss being on the verge of insanity.

Someone drive me nuts, please.

Great Expectations

2005-09-04T16:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as my mom, my eldest sister, my other sister and I were in the car, we found ourselves in a very sensitive discussion. We talked about sex, marriage and children.

My mom was asking my eldest sister, who is nearly thirty years old, when she's going to give her a grandchild. "Madali lang magkaanak, ma.", my sister said. "The problem lies in whether I can live with his father". My mom laughed about it at first then later, burst into tears. True, she's been longing for a grandchild but she knew very well the repercussions of bearing a child before marriage. It happened to her with my eldest sister and her actions of course, couldn't be reversed. She married my Dad, who came from a Chinese family, and she had no choice but marry him. She would always tell us that if not for us, she left my Dad years ago. She missed out on a lot in her life, and now she's trying to bounce back.

Then my other sister joined the conversation and said, "Kasi naman, sex can wait naman after marriage. That's the way it's supposed to be." Then my mom and eldest sister laughed and said in response, "Eh kasi naman Manang Marie..".

I actually chose to be quiet throughout the whole discussion. I didn't want to be involved until my mom asked me, "Naiinip na ang lola mo. Kelan ka ba magkaka-girlfriend?" I just smiled and told her that I'm in no rush. All of my siblings have significant others. In family luncheons, gatherings or parties, it would always feel weird that I'm the only one who hasn't brought anyone with me. They all talk about families, children, and the not-so-distant future, but somehow, I'm lagging behind. However, I'm really not bothered. Not that bothered.

One day I'll surprise them.

Really surprise them.

Safe

2005-08-14T04:34:00.000-07:00

Safe. My life is just so safe right now. You would know what I'm saying when you hear that safely sung song by an American Idol finalist, a safely directed movie by a conventional director, your sister's safe and traditional way of dressing up, your food without Monosodium Glutamate, your life without pills, theft, desperate men jumping off from billboards or babies being sold like balut eggs.

I haven't been dating for quite some time now. I actually am losing interest in it by the day, with myself busy with tons of other things. With that, I feel safe. I don't worry about saving and spending money for nothing really important. I don't have to safeguard my emotions and worry about acting irrationally. We all get stupid when it comes to our personal lives. Just yesterday, my friend was crying to me about how he hated his ex. Of how much he wanted to divert his attention to other things - and true enough, he accomplished that. But when his ex says "hi" in yahoo messenger one day, his whole world again crumbles and his heart breaks into microscopic little pieces (this makes it harder to pick up). I am 20 years old and I don't want these complications right now.

I have been doing really well in school lately. My lowest grade during the preliminaries was 2. I am part of the Honor Roll. I feel very safe now. When I was still in B.S. Biology, I settled for mediocrity. I felt no need to excel because I knew that I physically/mentally/emotionally couldn't. I just wanted to pass and get it over with. Now things drastically changed for me. I am very happy. I have self-confidence now.

With my friends, I also feel safe. We would just usually enjoy the simple pleasure of being with each other, eating out, watching movies, laughing our hearts out, singing in videoke bars, occasionally drinking without spending too much or engaging in anything risky. It is very routinary but I'm not complaining.

I miss being crazy though. I want to jump off a building sometime, not because I would want the cold pavement hard on my face, but just to see if I could fly. You'll never know.

3 Is The Magic Number

2005-07-13T06:28:00.000-07:00

Woopee! I love taking these quizzes. Wangs tagged me so here's what I can whip up for you.

Three names you go by:

1. Japs
2. JP
3. Paul

Three screen names you have had:
1. none
2. so
3. far

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. my hands
2. my feet
3. my "member" (in boisterous laughter, haha)

Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. my hair (it's so thick! EFFORT!, haha)
2. height (I am a boy for eternity - at least two inches more!)
3. eyebrows (blackboard erasers? haha)

Three parts of your heritage:
1. Filipino
2. Chinese
3. I'm guessing a little bit of Spanish (from my mom's side)

Three things that scare you:
1. Lung Cancer
2. my cellphone monthly bill (haha!)
3. my twin brother's future (sigh ='( )

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Travel Pack Tissue (my nose is just too sensitive!!)
2. mobile phone
3. my eyeglasses

Three of your favorite musical artists:
1. Dave Matthews
2. Jason Mraz
3. Maxwell

Three of your favorite songs:
1. High & Dry - Jamie Cullum
2. Push - Sarah McLachlan
3. Shiver - Coldplay

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. Sense
2. Spunk
3. Substance

Three lies and truths in no particular order:

LIES:
1. "I... am.... sorry" (oh.. go figure! haha)
2. Love moves in mysterious ways. (it can be very obnoxious! haha)
3. The Philippine Political System is ONE BIG FAT LIE. Bow.

TRUTHS:
1. Money makes the world go round. (sad but true >sniff<)
2. Today is the tomorrow you were thinking about yesterday. (Huuwhhatt? hehe)
3. Holding your farts in causes shitty ideas! You never listen! Haha.

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. lips
2. feet
3. hair

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. watching movies
2. dancing (move over Usher!)
3. writing (learning more everyday)

Three things you want to do really badly now:
1. sleep
2. smoke
3. drink a tall glass of milk

Three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. Broadcast Journalist
2. A host of a super interesting show - hopefully about travelling.
3. hmm.. probably advertising.

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Singapore
2. anywhere in Europe
3. Siargao

Three kid's names you like:
1. Amos
2. Julian
3. Sunny

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Travel around the world and keep a memorabilia for each country.
2. Skydive.
3. Swim with dolphins.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. I dance like I can hurt somebody. haha
2. I am still very much fascinated by marvel stuff (and movies too! Fantastic Four rocks!)
3. My twin brother and I always pick on each other - just for fun.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. I always have tissue handy. (for my colds! but still, it's so girly!)
2. I always have clean finger and toenails.
3. I'm a sucker for tearjerker movies - but I'd rather watch them alone.

Three celeb crushes:
1. Claire Forlani
2. Kate Hudson
3. Jessica Alba

THREE people I would like to see take this quiz
1.Paul - Fossilring
2.Angelo - Pass Me The Pepper
3. Paolo - This Boi's Life

Cheaters!

2005-07-11T07:19:00.000-07:00

Today, we got to check our papers after our Pol. Sci long exam. The professor was too trusting he allowed us to check our own papers, but of course, check the ones that were not ours. Sadly, there were a few students who checked their own paper and deliberately altered their answers. What's worse is that they intentionally left the items blank, and filled them in as the professor dictated the answers. Arrgh. I just hate cheaters! I got 40/50 in this exam but just because I studied my ass off even if I was sneezing, coughing my lungs out the whole day. Not like this particular guy who came to me and told me he got a 38 but just because he checked his own paper, and he was even kind enough not to have given himself a perfect score. The professor wouldn't know anyway.

I am so pissed off. I feel sorry for all those who studied and for the professor who was clueless of this insolence. Some people might see me as "KJ", but I won't hesitate to tell them that it's NOT okay to cheat! You're just plain fooling yourself. You are taking the easy way out but this has major repercussions in the long run. There was this guy who got a score of 15. He had the chance to alter his answers but he didn't - because he knew that he didn't deserve to pass. He just promised himself to study better the next time, which I think is the only way to go.

Failure should be treated as blessings in disguise. They might bring us down but these are reasons for us to aspire to be better. Cheating is not the ONLY option. It is actually NOT an option! I'm still enraged by this!

Steady Start

2005-07-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

My weekend was rather uneventful. The highlight of my weekend would be watching Fantastic Four (which I truly had a fantastic time watching). I was absolutely entertained. It was beautifully casted and the cinematography and film editing is outstanding. The film comes in second to Spiderman 2, which I think is the best marvel comic book adaptation. Batman Begins, which I thought was the most realistic and accurate Batman adaptation, comes in third.

I stayed at home on a Saturday night when everyone went out to get crazy, get drunk, party with friends. But I unusually felt good about it. I didn't have to spend, frantically think about what I'm going to wear, and I woke up the next day without my head throbbing or my whole body grimacing in pain. I spent more time with family, and I didn't have to be scolded by my mom of going home in the morning after a gimmick. It's comforting that I can actually be contented with a steady weekend, with all our family members in perfect harmony.

Today, I don't really feel good. I'm having a bad case of cough and colds, and it's quite embarrassing when people look at my direction when I cough (loudly), sneeze, almost every 10 seconds. It will be a long day for me, I even have a long exam on Political Science. Nevertheless, I promised myself to never get any sickness get in the way of my studies. I will study and ace that exam.

Have a nice day y'all. Let's all start the week right.

Time, Talent and Treasures

2005-07-04T17:36:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, as I heard mass in Lourdes, Q.C. with my family, I found myself glued to my seat attentively listening to the priest's homily. My body was almost half-paralyzed because of Saturday's activities (especially after a bloody dance workout), but nonetheless, I listened and I concentrated.

The gospel was something about time, talents and treasures. 3 little t's in our lives that we ought to pay attention to.

Time. It's something we devote to many things. It's something we take a precious hold of because it comes and it goes. Every minute spent on any endeavour should be worth it. Do we spend our time wisely? Do we value every second and not let any available opportunity go to waste? HOW do we make use of our time? These are just some of the questions that arise when talking about time management. We don't have to always follow a life pattern - monotonous schedules and routines. We only need to know each passing day, we grow, we change - and we need to assess how we use our time because it is a gift. One with a better value if shared with others and used to your fullest potential.

Talent. May it be something innate or acquired, it's no good if it's not put to use. Let go of your inhibitions and just show the world what you're made of. We don't need medals, trophies, plaques and recognition to know if we're talented. These are merely standards we should aspire for but it all starts in believing in ourselves. Extract, enhance and express your talent.

Treasures. It doesn't have to be material possessions. It may come as our family and friends who make us a thousand times richer than all the Donald Trumps or Bill Gates in the world. It's in how we keep what's most valuable in our lives. How we treasure and acknowledge them. How we sit and laugh with them in our brightest of moods and how we seek their company, for a hug, a pat on the back, when we feel that the world has caved in on us. Remember that not everyone of us enjoy these treasures - so we better feel fortunate that no matter how many wars the world wage on us, we have at least someone's hand to hold on to.

I believe that I have these three t's right now. Time may have been robbed from me, but now I'm not going back to relive my past, but I'm making up for it and keeping my eyes focused on what's ahead. I'm definitely using my time more effectively right now as I see that what I do today will be something I will enjoy OR regret in the future. The clock's ticking and wow, there's still much, much to do. I firmly believe that I'm talented. No, this is not narcissism or self-gratification - this is just the right condition of the spirit. As I said, it starts in believing in what you can do, what you can achieve, what you can share to others. Lastly, I'm very grateful of the treasures in my life right now. I wake up every morning knowing that I DO have a family who's behind me every step of the way. We may be travelling in different directions, leading different paths, but we all meet at one point - where love is the center of our journeys. How about friends? They may not be biologically linked to you, but what's most essential is the genuine love and affection, may it come in any form, that makes you want to live forever.

Progress Report

2005-06-23T05:18:00.000-07:00

1) Lessen my smoking - I need Divine Intervention on this.
- Well, so far, I've made little improvement on this aspect. I just need to keep myself busy all the time - which is NOT happening because of my light schedule. I need more workload! More more more!
2) NOT procrastinate. It has been the root of most of my failures - most of my inadequacies. I will keep my head focused on what's important, and be free of temptation and distraction.
- I'm proud to say that now, I don't procrastinate - in fact, I do homeworks waaayyy ahead of time. Well, maybe because I like what I'm doing now - and not bring dead cats home.
3) attend all my classes with eagerness.
- Eagerness. Something very hard to possess. I'm working hard on this - I don't care if I come to school eager for the wrong reasons, as long as I come to school always on time, and prepared.
4) NOT sleep should I attend these classes religiously.
- No, I don't sleep in class anymore. Well, maybe because I'm a transferee and irregular student so I cannot depend on others. I can't just sleep and copy notes from my blockmates after - I'm not helpless and I should know better now.
5) NOT doodle trash and draw naked women on my notebooks when bored - therefore, keep my notebooks free from any vandalism making them always clean and presentable.
- Hmmm... Okay, okay, I still doodle and draw on my notebooks. But I don't bring crayons to school anymore to color them.
6) Avoid fault-finding in others - especially imitating professors and blockmates. I'm not FerPect apter all.
- You must admit that this is very very hard to achieve. I usually just ignore them when I hear something "wrong" - and hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! Haha.
7) Do my best in everything because after all, I'm doing this for my future and to assure my mom that every cent paid is worth it. I love you, Mom and I will be a good boy now.
- My mom will be very proud of me. That's a promise - I won't let her down.
8) Lessen gimmicks and set my priorities straight - spend money more wisely.
- We all look forward to weekends. It's the time where we get to relax, meet our friends and have fun. I'll try to cut down on this and probably look for alternative ways to spend the weekend - more healthy, meaningful ways but still very much fun.
9) Be in good company always - stay away from bad influences (because I'm pretty damn sure they won't be staying away from me!)
- For the past week, I've been hanging out with my twin brother most of the time. We're an inseparable duo. This is good for the both of us, especially for him, because I can watch over and protect him. He's my best friend and I'm glad we study in the same school.
10) To do everything passionately - to aspire for excellence - to strive to be BEST, and not settle for mediocrity - to be driven - to be free yet responsible - to be happy.
- I'm proud to say that I'm excelling now in my field. I ace quizzes - not because I have had more experience and discipline than others, but because my heart is into what I'm doing right now. I don't feel inferior anymore. I am happy!

Resolutions

2005-06-14T03:43:00.000-07:00

New school, new course, new environment, new people, new things to discover, new learning experiences.

This coming schoolyear, I will try to:

1) Lessen my smoking - I need Divine Intervention on this.
2) NOT procrastinate. It has been the root of most of my failures - most of my inadequacies. I will keep my head focused on what's important, and be free of temptation and distraction.
3) attend all my classes with eagerness.
4) NOT sleep should I attend these classes religiously.
5) NOT doodle trash and draw naked women on my notebooks when bored - therefore, keep my notebooks free from any vandalism making them always clean and presentable.
6) Avoid fault-finding in others - especially imitating professors and blockmates. I'm not FerPect apter all.
7) Do my best in everything because after all, I'm doing this for my future and to assure my mom that every cent paid is worth it. I love you, Mom and I will be a good boy now.
8) Lessen gimmicks and set my priorities straight - spend money more wisely.
9) Be in good company always - stay away from bad influences (because I'm pretty damn sure they won't be staying away from me!)
10) To do everything passionately - to aspire for excellence - to strive to be BEST, and not settle for mediocrity - to be driven - to be free yet responsible - to be happy.

God, I think I need a valium.

Love Foolosophy

2005-06-04T03:26:00.000-07:00

To you who left, who I think disappeared from my life forever - you came back.

If love plays hide and seek with you, embraces you today then forgets you tomorrow, comforts, heals, breathes through you then suddenly vanishes without a trace, will you keep on playing? The game of love? Is it really merely a game? Two, three, multiple players - all directed for a purpose to win... what? Isn't it sad that it's difficult now to find a person who believes in the purity of love in good faith, that almost anyone you see today are cynics with a thousand warped views of love? Sad, very sad. Are relationships just stages in our lives to wait for someone better to come along? You look at a pretty face, and you fall madly in love. You hear the words you want to hear, melt your heart, make you cry - then you begin to think that you're (at least smartly as you would put it), slowly falling in the pit of love. Contentment - something very hard to achieve. True, unblemished, unbridled love - are we in search for it or is it in search for us?

I am a fool for love. Not all the time though, but I have been a fool for love. With two people, don't you just wish that love genuinely existed - closing all gaps, all flaws overlooked, all emotions firmly and correctly reassessed, everything equalized. We become fools when we realize we force ourselves into something not "tailor made" for us. A design - a specific fit for us. We enhance ourselves and change into something we're not - to satisfy that design.

To you who I think (smartly as I would put it), I have fallen in love with - I welcome you into my life once again. I'm willing to be a fool - to do anything so ridiculously and stupidly - all in the name of love.

This is not sentimental gush, I hope.

Just Dance!

2005-06-02T02:45:00.000-07:00

Just the other day, my friend Rowell and I watched "Dance Evolution", a Trumpets' summer dance workshop/concert at Megamall. Because we were late, we weren't able to get seats for the two of us because the theatre was just so overwhelmingly full. My friend wouldn't sit on the aisle at first, but I was able to convince him because after all, we didn't want to watch standing. There were just too many students who enrolled this summer. There were kids, teens and adults and all of them were placed in of course, the categories (in dancing) that fit them. The kids and teens were adorable - it's nice to see parents enrolling their kids in workshops like this - it not only sharpens the kid's mind and body, but also brings the family together in an occasion such as this.

Our friend Marco, who belonged in the Streetdance Advanced, blew us away with his moves. I actually wanted to enroll this summer but I just had too many other more important things to do. The three of us - Rowell, Marco and I once belonged to a dance group before. We would dance in events, parties, even Chinese weddings (haha). We weren't paid to perform though but it didn't matter to us because we loved dancing. My most memorable experience was when we did a number of Michael Jackson's "Dangerous". We performed in a variety show in a school that was exclusively for girls (ICA), and they didn't mind the famous "holding-of-the-crotch" dance move, haha. We had fun doing it, with the whole Michael Jackson look. It was great, great fun.

I also danced in many Youth For Christ events before, and I even got the chance to play the role as Christ in one inspirational dance number. In YFC, the fulfillment doesn't really come from the applause of the people, but the heart to serve through sharing your talent with others. Being part before in a dance ministry called Chag Adonai meaning (Dance for the Lord), we spread God's word through dancing. We also weren't paid to dance, we just danced with heart. Dancing is not just showing what you're made of but it's also a learning experience.

Now dance like nobody's watching!

Brand New

2005-05-17T04:58:00.000-07:00

Today, I had my transcript evaluated at the school that I'm transferring to. They made me fill up a form wherein I had to list down all of the subjects that I passed in my former school. I was thrilled to know that a lot of my subjects were credited and the only ones that I have to worry about right now are of course, the major subjects.

This year, I will be taking up Broadcast Communications. When I tell people that my previous course was B.S. Biology, no eyebrow wasn't arched and almost all of them were like, "Woah". Ang layo naman. Well, honestly, I also would react that way should I hear the same situation from someone else. Right now, all I know is that I can't wait to enroll this schoolyear and be educated again. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I'm still young and I believe that it's not too late for me to correct them. Now, I have made a decision that I'm very proud of - and most importantly, a decision that surely will make me happy.

When I got the curriculum for my course, I got really excited. There will be courses on TV and Film Direction, Advertising, Photography, Scriptwriting, Production, Writing for Radio and TV, Media Management and many more. It also had some courses related to the Performing Arts. This is now a chance for me to hone my skills and be fulfilled as a person. I just can't wait to be in a classroom again, with an eager mind and heart. I will make my mom proud this time around.

This Sunday, there will be this event called "Crossover Party" for the Singles For Christ (branch of Couples for Christ for single men and women, age 20 & above). Crossover here means crossing over from Youth For Christ to Singles. A good friend of mine from this community is inviting me to go. I have been in the YFC community for seven years now. There was a time that it was the top of my priorities and that I would devote most of my time in service. I would religiously attend gatherings, engage myself in social work and even got a lot of leadership roles both in evangelization and events production. I actually miss that stage in my life. I wasn't into clubbing and partying then, my social life was almost limited to the people in the community. I had a healthy lifestyle, both physically and spiritually. When I entered college, things changed for me and my life took a drastic turn. I forgot about God. Now that I'm traversing a new direction in my life, I will include God in it. I talked about love for friends and family here in my blog, but now I can't wait to be in love with God again. I will give SFC a shot.

I'm 20 years old and still burning for risks and adventure. As I move further in the scheme of things, I promise to keep my head up and my heart intact. I will make a difference in my life now - and hopefully to others as well.

Youthful

2005-04-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

I have always wanted to sing in a band - an acoustic group at that. It would be really nice to be able to tirelessly sing your heart out, set after set, entertaining a group of people. I have always loved to sing - but I have had no professional training whatsoever, so my voice really has its limits.

Last night, my friends Rowell, Cholo and I watched their friends sing in Moomba, Q.C. The band is called "Soul Ground", and they were just astonishing. The group is composed of three singers, one guitarist, and one who plays the kahon. The singers each have a unique sound to their voice. Yllan, one male singer, sounds like Musiq or any male black singer with a deep tone to his voice. Meryl, the female singer, sounds like Alicia Keys, Mary J. Blige and Kelis (the one responsible for the ridiculous song Milkshake) rolled into one. Last but not the least, Arnold, another male singer sounds like Stevie Wonder and Jay-R (plus the fact that he also quites look like him, with all the facial expressions and all). It was just refreshing to hear them sing. I give this group two thumbs up! I hope they make it to recording soon - their talent shouldn't be left unrecognized.

After their first set, my friends and I decided to go sing karaoke in I.O., ABS-CBN. When we got there, there was just too many people. We had to wait for about an hour to get our room - but anyway, it's all worth the wait. Rowell, Cholo and I are like triplets. We almost have everything in common, and all loved to sing. Lahat kami garapal sa mic, when it comes to singing videoke, haha. We sang, laughed, danced from 12 - 2 am. I can still remember my Mic Mo To episode I did before my Boracay trip. Well, how could I even forget about it when up to now, I still get text messages, emails about it from my friends who were able to watch it on TV. Haha. MTV is like airing three times a week?! Nakakadiyahe na! I instantly became infamous! Haha.

After singing karaoke, tipsy, Cholo had to go to Moomba again. Rowell and I decided that the night is still young, and we just had to go dancing. So there we went this club and danced our hearts out. Rowell and I used to be in a dance group in high school (Rowell has been my friend for almost 8 years), so we just loved dancing. We danced whenever, wherever - even if it would call for us to look really really stupid. Like crazy monkeys at that. Haha. Rowell has always been my best buddy. We didn't care about the people around us, and we just danced like hell.

It was 6 am when we decided to go home. We didn't have any more money, anyway - and we were just so unbelievably tired. Because the LRT was operating already, I took it going home. This is the first time I rode it that early so it was kinda weird when all the people were heading to work, to the market, to their respective destinations all freshened up, when there I was, sweat-drenched and exhausted. My eyes would close without my notice - I was in dire need to wash my face, change my clothes and just sleeeeeeeep. When I got home, I felt so disabled, it was almost like I won the Special Olympics. When I woke up this afternoon, I decided to write this post. I'm ready for another adventure again.

The Greatest Gift

2005-04-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, I will write something today. It's actually embarrassing that I've been doing nothing but pass requirements for the school I'm transferring to, but despite the not-so-stressful schedule, I still don't manage to write something in here.

Okay, let's talk about something I haven't been really open about in my blog since I started it- let's talk about love.

I'm very much in love as of the moment.

I'm in love with my family. I don't know where my mom gathers strength to put everything in place, but I admire her and love her more than anything, anyone else in the world. She has been patient with me for all this time, especially now that I'm going through a transition again. I love you, Mom, more than you'll ever know. I'm in love with my eldest sister Mitch. She's the one in the family now that PERFECTLY knows and understands me, and I feel so blessed. I love her I love her I love her. My close friends would know why this is really important to me. To my two sisters Maan and Marie - I love them with all my heart. I rarely see them now and I miss them like hell. I love them I love them I love them!

JC, my twin brother. I love you the most. You are once again, back to your old ways. It stabs me in the heart to see you succumb again to what we fear the most. Since I love you, I cover up for you, build you up and pretend that everything's okay. This is because I want to see you in school again - meeting new friends, having confidence in yourself, being educated again. Please don't break my trust, bro. 7 months you've been away, and I don't want to lose you again. We're now both lost in life's transitions, but I promise to find direction for us. We will go through this together. I love you I love you I love you.

I'm very much in love with my friends. I love you Berns for being an "ate" haha. I appreciate it when you remind me every so often that I'm still a kid and I have yet to unravel a lot of life's mysteries - that I'm fragile, impulsive, still very much passionate about everything. Thanks for putting out my fire when it almost burned me out. I love you I love you I love you. I love you Wangs for helping me put direction in my life. You are mentor. You are an older brother I never had. You are someone I look up to and that alone gives me more reason to love you. I love you I love you I love you. I love you Pao for teaching me how to appreciate film, the arts, people and almost everything. It is you from whom I learned the most. Thank you for always being relaxed and accomodating, unconditionally giving. You deserve nothing but happiness and I love you I love you I love you. I love you Anne for always making me smile. Thank you for that positive vibe, that grin on your face, that warmth of your hug, that love you give incessantly. I love you for making me sing, dance, pour my heart out into everything. I love you I love you I love you. I love you Maik for everything that you are. Thank you for always checking up one me to see how I was doing, despite the fact that you deal with a lot of shit too lately. Thank you for being there - and you have been my most trusted confidant. I love you for your patience, your generosity. I love you I love you I love you. I love you Charles for being fun. For making me laugh like there's no tomorrow. Thank you for keeping me sane. I love you I love you I love you.

To two of the most special girls in my life, my college friends April and Eunice. Nothing will compare to the love that we shared. As I move on to another stage in my life, I promise that you will never be forgotten. I love you I love you I love you.

On a more personal level, I think I'm ready to fall in love again. I'm giving it a shot and see where it goes. Love is after all, a wondrous feeling.

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love" - Charles M. Schulz

Stages

2005-04-11T03:18:00.000-07:00

The stages in our lives.

We saw things innocently, without discrimination. We didn't question what was around us, why things were happening to us - we just received, we laughed, we cried, and we didn't know why. We were children then - we were fragile, but our hearts were indestructible.

We then entered the world of learning. Our minds were molded, personalities gradually developed. We knew how to build friendships, value God and family. We then knew why we fell when we tried climbing trees, why we cried at funerals, why we blushed whenever we saw the girls/boys of our dreams, why we lied whenever we were in trouble, why we made our decisions when we were asked to make them - or when we ourselves thought that we should make them.

Decisions. To decide is very easy - but to deal with its consequences is another story. It is a turning point - definitely another stage in our lives. We can't tabulate, enumerate or calculate how many these stages are. As we go by the day, we learn that every single day is essential and that each day is a stage that we should complete.

Now, I'm experiencing a transition in my life. No, I won't get married, if that's what you're thinking about. I'm also not going abroad and living there for good. I'm going through a personality transition - I'm coming to terms with my real self now. I have DECIDED that I will pursue the life that I want and I don't care anymore if I wasted three years of my life. I'm not dwelling on that - I'm moving on because life doesn't stop for me. It can't be put on hold whenever we're undecided. The world will continue spinning, and it's not stopping for me. I'm looking forward to being educated again. I want to learn with eagerness now - with a mind and heart that is focused. Driven. I want to burst with passion - to know what I want, and to know what I should and could do to attain it. I'm going to claim my victory.

To Cherish Momentary Bliss

2005-03-29T00:22:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I came back from my Boracay trip with some of my friends. God, I don't even know how to start this post! Haha.

Okay, here it goes.

Wednesday- March 23, 2005 -

After packing my bags, checking if everything's set, I was off to the pier. The feeling of excitement and anticipation was indescribable - I was off to Boracay with friends! For the first time! And so I met with my friends at the terminal, with their enormous luggages, board shorts, sarongs and Havaianas. We then boarded the boat, then found out that our bunk bed numbers are scattered all over the economy class section. We then decided to just stick together, and occupy one area - regardless of the people who are actually supposed to be occupying those beds. It was a long, sleepless trip (especially for me and my friend Maik). Some of our friends made accessories. Some were just restless, smoking like hell (one of them was me, haha). Despite the boredom and the lack of sleep, we were happy.

Thursday - March 24, 2005 -

After 18 grueling hours, we finally reached Domaguit (is that how it's spelled? Haha). We rented a van, and we paid bloody 200 pesos each (to think that I had a really really really tight budget). The 8 of us were then off to Caticlan, and while everyone was just laughing and having fun, I sat quiet and wondered how I can survive Boracay with my budget.

It took us about an hour and a half to reach Caticlan. We then got off, and paid for our ferry boat tickets. That time, I felt more excited, and at the same time, more anxious (because everywhere we went, whatever we did, we just had to pay for something, haha). We got on the ferry boat, then we were off the beautiful island of Boracay.

When we got there, we immediately checked our accomodations. It was located at Station 1, but on the highway. We actually had problems at first because we kinda didn't like the place, and we wanted all of us to stick together in one place (the 8 of us were divided into 2 groups, and the other 4 rented a place near Cocomangas). We had a hard time negotiating with the owner so we just had to take the place. It was okay, clean bathroom, there was a television, airconditioning - it was just far from our other friends' place. We finally settled, took a bath, put tanning lotion, then got ready for lunch.

Our first stop was Jonah's. I was so excited I immediately took off my shirt, spread more tanning lotion and just bathed under the sun. It was just blissful. To be scorched under the sun felt ironically so good! We ordered shakes and lunch, and we just felt like kings and queens. The food was a bit expensive though so I had to order something really reasonable for my budget.

That night, we went to Club Paraw for drinks and stuff. The music was really good. There were bean bags and pillows all over the place, so just lounged and relaxed. We stayed there for the whole night, the music changing from Chillout to House. After drinks, we decided to dance the night away. Oh and by the way, I got really really drunk.

Friday, March 25, 2005 -
I woke up just in time for lunch. Late lunch, actually. We ate at Andok's with my friend Pao and Gerard then we were off to Jony's to again, bathe in the sun. We decided to take a swim, walk around, lounge, swim, walk around again, take pictures, doing the same things over and over again. Haha. What mattered most in this whole trip though is the bond that we created with each other. I especially enjoyed Leila's company (a new friend of mine) because she was just painfully funny. Every word that comes out from our mouth propels me into boisterous laughter. Haha. I love her.

That night we walked to Station 2 and 3. We just walked and walked, without a hint of exhaustion. We ate dinner at Mc Sandro, then we were off to checking the different bars again. I personally wanted to have a henna tattoo done but I just didn't know if I could afford it. My budget almost killed me, haha. Late that night, we went to Hey Jude for the pre-Slinky party. The music was good, and again, we danced the night away. That night it rained. It rained really hard. One of our friends Berna, who had the key to our place, was nowhere to be found, haha. Therefore, we all decided to crash in the other place near Cocomangas. With all our clothes wet, drunk and feeling giddy, we all stayed there together.

Saturday, March 26, 2005 -
The next day, we woke up rather late. It was past 3pm and I kinda was saddened that I wouldn't be able to sunbathe anymore. Well, because we had to eat, of course. We then dressed up, went to Blue Berry for lunch. The place was located near D Mall, and it was more like your ordinary "carinderia". They served "real" food, very affordable. After that, we decided to take a walk again to Station 1, near Waling Waling. We walked quite a distance, up to Fridays. We took a lot of pictures - me, Maik, Ger and Leila. We were like professional photographers, taking pictures of ourselves, haha. We then walked back, watched the sun set, bit by bit, took pictures of it, and just enjoyed the Boracay breeze. We then prepared for Slinky, the main event.

That night we ate dinner somewhere near Summer Place. We had nice food, and for the first time in the entire trip, I ate rice. I just felt that I needed some energy for that night. My tummy didn't react too well, though. I suddenly felt a feeling of indigestion. Arrggh.

Then there was Slinky. I came in with just my sando and board shorts, preparing to dance the night away. That was the third night I danced like a madman. We got in Slinky for free because of our friend Maik, he knows the organizers. The night was at its peak, until something really bad happened. Two guys got in a fight, the other one even held a gun in his hand! Waving it in the air! My friend Maik and I just got out of the place. Bad vibes! I decided to go to Paraw to meet a friend of mine. Though they played R&B music, it was all good. I found peace there, and I enjoyed myself. I was dancing till 6 in the morning, then decided to go home.

Sunday, March 27, 2005 -
This is the day I was afraid of. Time to leave paradise. Our departure was 4pm and I woke up before lunch. I just then decided to chill at Jony's with my friend, and get some sun. It was a terrible feeling, knowing I'm off to Manila in a few hours. 3pm we were off to the Tourist Center, with all our bags and stuff. It was goodbye, Bora. But of course, I wouldn't leave Boracay with nothing to remember it by. I bought two necklaces, and one really nice necklace for my Mom. After all, she was the one who made this trip happen for me. Then me, Leila, Ger and Jeff boarded the ferry boat, leaving Boracay with smiles on our faces.

The boat from Boracay to Manila was the Negros Navigation. It was far better than the first boat. We finally got the chance to sleep and relax.

Monday, March 28, 2005 -
Boat arrives at Manila. Back to reality. With sand still in between my toes, I wanted to be teleported right that instant to the island.

What I regret about Boracay is that I didn't get the chance to actually take time to contemplate. I didn't have time for myself. What I loved about company though is that everyone got everyone else's back. My friend Maik shouldered some of my expenses because of my tight budget. He's a very good person. Friendship. A word often overrated, misunderstood - confused with something else. To my friends who shared this experience with me, this trip seals a lifetime friendship no fire can ever burn, no tide can ever wash away.

Till next year!!!

The Boy's Gone

2005-03-21T18:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I had a long talk with my mom. Tomorrow, I'll be leaving for Boracay with some friends and my mom wanted to discuss it with me. At first, she actually wouldn't allow me because it is very expensive. But she did - and ironically yesterday, she played a guilt trip on me.

I totally understand my mom regarding this matter. She was telling me that I shouldn't be adapting to a lifestyle we cannot afford. Secondly, she told me that I'm beginning to distance myself from the family and devote more time with my friends. Instead of spending holy week with them, I chose to spend it with friends. Am I beginning to be one of those rebellious teens? Without my notice?

I don't think I am. This is the first time I will be going out of town in the company of my friends. My mom just gets paranoid most of the time - because all of her children are getting older by the minute - getting to be more independent. She's afraid of three things - to be forgotten, to be taken for granted - and to grow old with my father.

My dad. I know the taho vendor better than my dad. If I didn't know better, I would think that he's retarded. My dad earns but he doesn't provide for us. He has been paying for credit card debts for almost all his life now and we're still wondering why - because he never spent a single cent for the family. He finds leisure in watching cartoons, collecting gadgets, driving around the Metro by himself going to cheap bars and nightclubs. If my mom's not the best mom in the world, I don't know who is. She endured this marriage for almost 28 years now, and her only source of strength is her children.

I promised my mom that we will take care of her no matter what. I didn't want to go to med school anymore because I want to work right after I graduate. I want to help my mom and hopefully ease her burdens. I want to give her what she deserves.

On a lighter note, yesterday, I sang for MTV, on their segment Mic Mo To! Haha. It was crazy. My friend, Anne, tricked me into singing - she told me that she just wanted to have a get-together with some of our friends at Red Box but when I got to Greenbelt, I received a text - "Hey Japs, I gotta warn you, you are singing for MTV's Mic Mo To". Haha. I tagged along at first, watching others sing, until I finally got my turn. I had this room all to myself (kinda looks stupid to be singing all by myself, with no crowd to cheer me, haha, but it was after all, a set-up), and I sang an upbeat r&b song. I sang and dance. It was quite embarrassing, to be honest. That was my first time to actually sing in front of a camera - MTV at that! I hope it doesn't turn out ugly, that's for sure. Haha!

Life Is Beautiful!

2005-03-18T17:31:00.000-08:00

I woke up three hours later than my usual today. Why? Well, because today is a Saturday and it's officially the start of my summer vacation! Woohoo!!

It is a refreshing feeling - when you don't have to wake up EARLIER than the usual to finish formal reports, print them and study for exams of impending doom. I shouldn't be complaining because it is, after all, integral to being a student. Now, I'm just so happy that mind and body will be stress-free for a while.

Yesterday, in my last exam, Spanish, we were asked to write an essay (in Spanish) about how we imagine ourselves 25 years from now (like what will we be doing, will the present world problems still exist and stuff).

I wrote my essay in English.

Hahaha. I won't be able to express myself fully in Spanish! I would just sound silly and I might just not make sense. It however defeats the purpose of teaching us the subject when I wrote my essay in the language we have all been taught since we were toddlers! Hahaha. But I wrote it anyway. I chose to make sense of what I had to say, and not to sound like an idiot.

25 years from now, I imagine myself working in an advertising agency, television network or probably working abroad. By that time, I would have tried a lot of things in my life - skydiving, snowboarding, maybe surfing (at least once! haha), riding elephants in Africa, trekking the deepest jungles of the Amazon, traveling around the world learning different cultures, getting to know people of different race and color, sitting down with them, conversing, laughing and just genuinely interacting. These things I have always dreamed about and I hope to accomplish someday. By that time, I would also be going in and out of the hospital because of excessive smoking! Hahaha. Just kidding. I hope that by that time, I would have the conviction to actually stop smoking and live a healthy life which is more rewarding and fulfilling.

I see the world to be a world that constantly changes. People are all fast-paced, always on the go. I'm afraid to say that there might be a decrease in the expression of love, in the solidarity of families and friends. This serves as a warning though, so as early as now, we should hold on to what we really hold dear in our lives.

This schoolyear was by far the most demanding I had. Sleepless nights, excessive smoking, and depressing conversations with people who share the same sentiments. But it was all worth it. I pushed myself to my limits and got amazed of how much I can do and not do. Evertything I learned, (or at least, read), I will not forget. It may not be instrumental to my future, but what the hell, learning is a privilege. I'm making the most of out of this. Life is beautiful!!!

Fragments of Freedom

2005-03-08T15:28:00.000-08:00

Just yesterday, my sister and my twin brother went to Siargao for a vacation. They both actually don't do pretty much anything at home so my mom allowed this trip. They'll be staying there - surfing, wakeboarding, windsurfing, sunbathing, smoking, drinking, having the time of their lives, for 7 days. I'm envious. Very envious.

I wish I get the chance to actually relax my mind and body this summer. The beach is the perfect getaway - but I just couldn't stomach the fact that I have summer classes. My mom will definitely be enraged by it, therefore dismissing the possibility of a beach trip. God, I just want to break free - just for a while!

Someday, I want to accomplish everything I want. I will someday, be able to write a book, travel around the world, learn different cultures and languages, be a recording artist (hahaha!), attend regular dance and capoeira workshops, scuba dive, skydive, among others. I guess I just have to be more patient and stop whining. This is the road I chose, there's no looking back. I guess I have to look at life more positively and just look forward, and find more ways to move on.

Sometimes, I admit that I wish that when I wake up in the morning, I realize that this all just a nightmare. It's ridiculous, I know. Sometimes, I do feel that probably the weight of the world is on me. I just can't move an inch without breaking into little fragments - then picking myself up again. I just don't want to live my life in regret.

I will do something about this.

The Child

2005-03-07T00:11:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday, I was again, with my older group of friends. There's no doubt that I missed them; I just see them weekly or sometimes, after a month because of a lot of schoolwork. I had a nice time- but something got me thinking a bit.

There was this instance two of my friends were like ganging up on me - well, in a friendly way. It was like picking on me, but not really in an offensive way. It was just like putting me on the spot in front of our other friends - and see me react to things. One friend told me that it was really fun to pick on me because I don't really get mad, and that hindi naman daw ako lumalaban. I'm also very easy to please, so I laugh at everything that comes out from his mouth - even if I got annoyed a bit. He would even joke that I might just be the president of his fans club - totally not me, but still that was the impression. The other friend of mine that maybe I should toughen up and not just sit there and smile while being picked on. Actually, I don't really get offended when they make fun of my age - hanging out with them, who are all working - who are all very independent. They would often joke that I'm still a minor who shouldn't be going out at an inappropriate time of the day or night. I'm ok with that - it's true in some way.

What got me thinking though is that a lot of times, I get lost in most of their conversations. I'm not usually the quiet type - I usually have something to say, to elaborate on, to imitate, to analyze, to laugh about. With this group though, I somehow get the feeling that I'm lost. Usually, they would just talk about certain things and I just don't know how to butt in or if I do, not get the response like "wow, finally, Japs has something to say..". I don't know - maybe it's the age difference and the interests maybe (but we share a lot too, I should say - I wouldn't hang out with them if there weren't). They would talk about work, what new projects to work on, how they can work with each other, etc. I love listening and learning from them - but I just don't have anything to say. I can't be of interest so I just sit quiet, laugh and listen.

I usually thought I relate better with an older group. Maybe because I'm an old soul, in some way. Shallow is good - but only for a certain period of time. Depth is equally as good, if not, better - but yes, only for a certain period of time as well.

Put The Funk Back In It!

2005-02-26T05:56:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOD. It's been a month since I last updated my blog! Hahaha. Is that how busy I was? Or just too lazy to write in here? Haha. The past month has nothing but toxic for me. School's a pain. It's basically the root of my depression, most of the time.

But yesterday and the night that followed, I had FUN.

I went to Enchanted Kingdom yesterday with my college barkada. My friend wanted to celebrate his birthday there and we had so much fun. Even though I knew that I am meeting my other group of friends in Makati last night, I still went on for the Rio Grande Rapids and got soaking wet! Haha I didn't care. It was really fun, especially with the endless laughter with my friends. Then we got on the Anchor's Away and screamed our lungs out, and I was laughing ceaselessly the whole time. At the end of the day, when there were really not much people anymore, my friend and I even got on the Space Shuttle 5 consecutive times! Haha my head throbbed and my back hurt like hell. Haha it was crazy. I had an amazing time.

On the way home, I still decided to meet up with my other friends in Makati. My blockmates were asking me where I get all the energy from because they were all extremely exhausted. It was already 11 pm then and I was the only one still all hyped up. Haha I still wanted to go out and party and make the most out of my fantastic Friday.

We went dancing last night. I danced non-stop, along with a good friend who dances like there's no tomorrow. There was even this time that only the two of us were left on the dance floor and everybody stood aside and cheered us on. It was almost like a showdown! Haha. I had so much fun even if it meant that the next day (which is today), my body, from head to toe, will ache like hell. Haha but again, I didn't care because anyway, I don't get to do this often. I loved it. It was almost like my most tiring day ever but I felt so happy.

Today, I feel like a vegetable. Haha my body is almost paralyzed. But what the hell, it was all worth it.

Finally, Family

2005-01-24T01:53:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my brother was released from rehab. After 7 months, I'm now reunited with my other half. (darker doesn't apply anymore because in fact, he's already clean - physically detoxified, spiritually nourished). Not only is he reunited with me, but with our family (composed of seven members, us, being the youngest). Finally, after a long time (along with my sister who got back from the States last December after 2 years of working there), we're now complete again. I honestly don't know if this is going to be good for us, but let's see. Haha. 7 is just too many.

I just pray to God that my brother won't return to his bad vices. The only institution that can help him is himself. He would tell me that he wants to go back to school - why of course, he can! It's in his hands now. If he relapses, it would be useless bringing him back to rehab. It would entail imprisonment, not renewal. I just hope that this time around, he should think about his future.

Maybe I should, as well.

Awakening

2005-01-15T21:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I went to school to skin an already dead but preserved cat. It took us forever skinning it because we had to be really really careful with not being able to peel off its musculature. A tedious job, a stinky cat, nerdy groupmates - it was torture. Our professor also told us that we should be able to preserve the cat come the final examinations (no maggots should infest it, no molds should grow on it), or else, we wouldn't be given the test. Great. Just fucking great.

I felt sad for the cat - and for myself.

After school, I decided to meet up with some of my friends in Greenbelt. I just needed to relax. My friends and I just had dinner then strolled around. I didn't feel like clubbing or getting drunk - I just needed to breathe. Just the other day, my sister checked my blood pressure. She told me that at such a young age, I'm already hypertensive. Haha. And I smoke like there's no tomorrow. It's the depression that's slowly killing me. Last night, I just needed to be somewhere far from school - far from home.

Then just this morning, my mom and I had a talk. I discussed with her my already lack of interest in my course. I told her that I don't want to be a doctor anymore. I'm just not excelling in my course - my talent is repressed. I'm on my third year now, but I still think about shifting to a different course. I'm 20 years old and my mom would tell me that I might have just wasted three years of my life.

Three years wouldn't ever compare to wasting a LIFETIME.

I need to make wise decisions now - I need to follow my heart. Someone wake me up from this nightmare!!

Uninspired

2005-01-11T05:50:00.000-08:00

I feel so paralyzed. Depression kicking in again.

I need the happy pill.

Say Cheeeeeeese!

2005-01-08T16:31:00.000-08:00

"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness, you'll never find it." - C.P. Snow

I can say that right now, I'm not a very happy man. However, I wouldn't want to add up to all the grief and sadness in the world - that would be selfish of me. I'm just saying that everyday of my life right now, it is but a constant reminder that truly, I'm not happy.

I haven't really made an effort to look for it, because I don't know where to look and what to look for. Presently, I'm not enjoying college because of the decisions I made in the past. I have been depressed for the past months because I just couldn't physically and mentally excel - I'm LOST. There's a million of things I want to do - not just do, but accomplish for myself - but everything just has to be put on hold. I have to move forward but my lack of enthusiasm just almost always pulls me back - if not, down.

So am I looking for happiness? I can't say that I'm making a big amorphous effort but true enough, I have never really found it. Maybe because it's never meant to be pursued. It may be in the form of an object, an experience - or maybe a person - but I guess only time can tell when it can be rightfully ours. Happiness becomes merely a state of mind - I have obscure views of it. Now I realize that it cannot be achieved by forming images of it in my head- instead, happiness will form me into the person I'm destined to be.

Casting My Fate To The Wind

2005-01-07T05:30:00.000-08:00

Hello 2005.

The world again makes a full turn as we mark another beginning. Nothing really changes dramatically, but we can always start with something. I don't have new year resolutions this year because I never fulfill them anyway. I just always put in mind that we're not getting any younger and with every morning we have to wake up to, we have to look forward - MOVE forward.

2004 is definitely a year to look back to. Experience made me wiser. I met a lot of new people along the way, some I would want to forget - some I would definitely want to keep forever. I was very experimental, tried new things - good or bad - but I guess, we will not learn if we don't risk. I had many discoveries in the process, especially about myself. My family faced a lot of trials, even ones concerning me but we rose above them all. I was never an excellent student in class. The past year only proved to me that I really couldn't compete with my schoolmates. Why? I realized I'm not a horse dragging a calesa, forced to traverse one direction. We deserve to explore - to fly, dream, dance, be free. I don't regret anything. Everything contributed to my well-being and that's what's most important to me. I am forever grateful, and I'm moving on.

New country leadership. Celebrity funerals. Typhoons and tsunamis have washed away lives and dreams. 2004 is definitely an eye-opener to all of us. In looking back, we realize that there's no other way but to move further - and probably be more sensitive not to your own personal needs but to how you can make life better for someone. I will do that. I promise myself that this year, I will sacrifice more to put a smile on someone else's face. I will be more selfless. I will be more thankful for everything that I have - and everything that I don't, and I don't need. Nothing is more beautiful than not to own everything but to keep our hearts intact, making magic with the people we meet, making life beautiful as it already is.

I now cast my fate to the wind. May it carry me like an autumn leaf, or blow me in a storm - as long as it propels me forward, I will be happy.

A Better World

2004-12-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

For the past few days, our family has been sorting out old clothes, appliances, toys, blankets and a lot more other stuff for the victims of the typhoons Winnie and Yoyong. My mom's not even going Christmas shopping this year. She was telling me that instead of buying gifts for friends and loved ones (for example, glassware, figurines, home equipment that most probably wouldn't be used anyway), she thought of just donating the money to the victims of calamity.

I so agreed. Many people would think: what can one person do to make a difference anyway? Millions of Filipinos suffering in poverty, but also millions in the whole world living in luxury and excess. Imagine everyone of us fortunate, sharing our blessings bit by bit to our poor brothers and sisters (imagine 5 pesos a day from the millions of Filipinos who are in better conditions), wouldn't it be a better place to live in? To see that the measure of every smile, the tear in every eye is equal? I definitely want to live in that world. We're so busy complaining about our measly and worldly concerns, when many people out there are fighting for their very survival.

I watched a short segment of Magandang Gabi Bayan last Saturday. This old woman in the province lost her "hut" to an unmerciful landslide. When she was interviewed, her only request was some nails and nipa leaves to build her hut again. I'm sure at the same time, one of us was busy strolling in the mall buying expensive gifts and what-have-yous, for his expensive friends.

Let's all learn to be content, and appreciate every little blessing that we receive. Better yet, why not share?

Of Friendships and Cigarettes

2004-12-01T05:06:00.000-08:00

Today, I cut three consecutive classes in school (laughing out loud). Very very delinquent of me. I just can't stand boredom, and today, I didn't feel like sitting in class for 4 hours straight, listening to ultra-boring lectures. After my first class, I grabbed by backpack, eased out of the room, on my way to my favorite coffee shop. I was joined by my female blockmate, who cut class for the same reasons.

For almost three hours straight, we just stayed there and talked (and yes, smoked) endlessly. I found myself glued to my seat, talking, and listening at the same time. My friend just wouldn't stop talking - and I was entertained - possibly enlightened at that. We talked about relationships, teenage suicides, superstitions, human behaviour, conformity, annoying parents, the pretentious, the humble, the weather, the future, life and our impending deaths. We tackled almost anything, as we finished a whole pack of cigarettes.

I have finally found someone I can really relate to in my class. I have always thought that I would have a hard time in finding that "partner in crime" in a college of geniuses. I smoke a lot yes, but what really suffocates me is the competition. Everyone just want to better than everyone else. This friend of mine resuscitated me back to life. We're now ready to take on the world.

Death and Its Worth

2004-11-28T02:57:00.000-08:00

Just about 5pm today, the father of my sister's boyfriend passed away. Just like a burglar in the night, he was robbed of his life - just like that. He had an aneurism (a dilation, or swelling of a blood vessel that could lead to a stroke). Two days ago, he experienced chest pains. Worried, he drove himself, along with his family to the hospital. The doctors found out that he needed to have an open-heart surgery because a major artery was blocked. Saturday morning, the operation began. The delicate operation took a grueling 16 hours. Then just this afternoon, my sister got a text from her boyfriend that his dad succumbed to death. We were in my twin brother's rehab, celebrating a momentous occasion. It was our birthday.

Just when someone's celebrating the year of his birth, one's life is ended. The level of emotion sloped downward in an instant when my sister got that text message. I, myself couldn't believe what I was hearing. The deceased was a father of five, the youngest son to graduate elementary school next year. He recently earned recognition, from his trip to Australia, in the medical field (I'm just not sure what it is). He had a loving wife and family, he had no vices - he was the perfect father. He was just 48 years old.

Cliche as it may seem, but life is indeed short. Sometimes, I wonder if death hits me tonight, will it all be worth it? Will I be able to say that I seized every day and that I lived life to the fullest? All I am now is a chain smoker, deprived performer and uneducated artist. I'm living a lie, each and every day. I want to do so many things in my life, but yes sometimes, I think it's too early for me to say that I couldn't possibly do them in the future. Besides, I'm still young and I have my whole life ahead of me. I guess I would be able to experience the fullness of what life has to offer me, when I can already afford living it. What really matters anyway is the love that we give each and every minute of our lives. In that way, the life you lose leaves memories of love and smiles that would keep you alive in the hearts you hold dear.

Reborn

2004-11-27T03:50:00.000-08:00

Last night, the 26th of November, I celebrated my birthday party (which is actually on the 30th, but because I have classes on that day, I decided to reschedule it) with my closest friends. It was held at Racks El Pueblo, around 9pm onwards. I had a blast - and yup, as my friend told me - "celebrate the drunkenness". I did - with my head that constantly throbbed, and my feet that couldn't stop dancing.

This year is definitely an unusual celebration for me. I usually just have my party at home, where the food is cooked at home, beers bought in cases, karaoke going all night, guests getting wasted and incessant laughter and companionship. Last night, I decided to do it in a bar (for a change), where there is loud music and legions of partygoers that I obviously don't know. I invited two sets of friends - my blockmates in school and an older group, whose company I enjoyed the more. Well, because apparently, I felt that my blockmates weren't too comfortable with the place. They thought the music was too loud, it was almost impossible for us to talk to each other. Unlike me, they weren't really interested to dance, so they just sat there and constantly checked up on their wristwatches. Only my guy friends from school smoked and drank, but they only had one bottle of beer each. The rest just got busy taking pictures of themselves. My other set of friends - the older group - made my celebration worthwhile. Though they weren't so much into hiphop music, they danced like crazy and drank the night away. I appreciated that a lot - and I wouldn't have enjoyed my party without them. However, I'm not holding any grudge with my college friends. They came - it's more than enough. Though Friday is really an exhausting day for us in school, they still managed to devote a portion of their time for me. Besides, the music was really too loud. I, myself struggled to communicate with my friends so I just drank and danced instead.

Generally, I had a wonderful time. There were idle moments, but nonetheless, it didn't really matter. I was with the people that I love and it's just so awesome to be loved in return. It's nice to be born again.

My Zephyr

2004-11-19T15:49:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks and days have been really exhausting for me. Every single day, I have struggled to cope up with new schedule, professors and grueling, definitely more difficult subjects. I'm back to my irregular eating and study habits, excessive smoking and deep pondering about where this life is taking me. I'm back to being a zombie.

This semester my thesis mates and I have been trying to narrow down our general topics to our final thesis topic. We have all decided to concentrate on Marine Biology, because after all, if we're going to invest blood, sweat and tears on this project, we might as well enjoy it. We are definitely going to the beach, or to any location where there is a body of water to collect samples and take pictures for our thesis. We are considering red algae, zooplanktons, sea stars or maybe, sea snakes. Sea snakes - haha, I'm sure that's going to be a lot of fun.

Yesterday, my friends and I stopped by the football field to watch some Fine Arts students flying kites that they made themselves. Just like a child, I sat down on the grass, finding myself entertained. I couldn't recall the last time I flew a kite, but my best guess would be when I still wasn't growing any facial hair. I would want to fly a kite again someday. I would want to know how high it will soar, how proud it will make of me. Just like my goals, I hope my zephyr keeps it afloat - carefree and light, resilient and wise.

Back To School. FART.

2004-11-04T01:44:00.000-08:00

Today was the first day in school, starting the second semester after a reasonable semestral break.

Of course, it also forces me back to my daily routine. I woke up 5 am today, and because I would usually fix my things in the morning (and yup, some really important morning rituals that you wouldn't really want to know about), I wouldn't have the time to eat REAL breakfast. So I just resort to a bowl of cereal. Then when all is set, I am off to school. It takes me three short jeepney rides to get to my university.

This semester is a little different for all of us third year students. No, not a little different - there is a BIG difference that we all should adapt to. You see, all of us were in block sections for two and a half years. It means that we have crammed, laughed, cried, simply lived with the same people for that time duration. Friendships - or shall I say, a FAMILY was established, and we were happy. This semester, because the administration needs to dissolve one section for practicality's sake, decided to reshuffle all of the sections, just like mixing different kinds of nuts on a big plate. We were against it, but we couldn't do anything about it - they are boss. Now, we all have to adjust to our new sections - make new friends (which is not a bad thing) and get used to the situation FAST. If not, then we would all have to realize that we're not in school for the social aspect of it - but the formation of the human intellect, the enhancement of skill and talent, in preparation for greater things ahead. The only problem is sometimes, in the pursuit of knowledge - in what our instructors instill in us - we focus on success too much we are desensitized. That I won't allow to happen to me, that's why I traverse every road I take laughing at the world, or laughing at myself - in pursuit of the lighter side of things. I'm looking forward to being educated again - whatever the medium is.

If Only The Dead Could Talk

2004-11-01T06:48:00.000-08:00

It took us literally two goddamn hours just getting to the spot where my grandparents and aunt were buried. Himlayang Pilipino had become a circus. Cars honking, people and food stalls scattered all over the place - it was just so sad to see the resting place of our loved ones to be in such a mess. I wonder how the dead feel - being "remembered", annually, in this manner. But then again, they're dead. Somehow, it has just become a tradition everybody adhered to because after all, it only happens once a year. I wouldn't want to die soon, that's for sure.

On our way home, my cousins and I were amazed to see a number of rest houses (I actually don't know how to call them, sorry), that were built for the dead. The rich dead at that. Well, of course most of them were airconditioned and properly maintained. Some had verandas, television sets and water tanks. The lucky dead - they lay where the flowers can be at least preserved from the heat of the sun or from the unpredicted rainstorms. But honestly, I wouldn't want to be pampered like that when I'm already dead. I would feel loved and cared for - to consider how much my family spent for the musoleo (right, it's musoleo pala), but I wouldn't want to hear Kris Aquino's squeaky voice on television, freeze in a confined space or suffocate behind glass windows. I would prefer to bear the heat of the sun, where the flowers would wither with me, knowing that they would be replaced by the people who would take time to visit me from time to time. Better yet, I would just like to be cremated - my ashes scattered to the beach, to be one again with my origin. That would mean renewal. That would mean freedom.

After visiting the cemetery, we just went to the mall to eat dinner. We had Thai cuisine. I particulary didn't like Thai food but I had no choice because most of them were craving for it. I don't like the sweet tangy taste - actually I thought the food had a medicinal taste to it. I surely didn't like it. My digestive system just misbehaved and minutes later, I was wishing to be teleported back home and be one with the comfort room. It was an okay day. I had a nice share of insights and umm yes - indigestion.

Mayday! Mayday!

2004-10-31T02:33:00.000-08:00

Last night, I went to CREAM, a halloween party in Makati. A friend just invited me to go with him and his friends, which I happened to meet only yesterday as well. We came in wearing army costumes, each with a unique "army look". I really didn't like how my costume turned out, but I do appreciate the people who helped me style up my overall look, particularly a camouflage shirt simply altered by scissors, needles and thread. But it didn't really matter, the party was a blast.

To tell you the truth, I don't really enjoy dancing to house music. Maybe it's just too fast for me. My passion for dancing is really inclined to street and hip hop, where I can be more creative. However, last night was an exception. For the first time, I enjoyed house music and I just couldn't stop dancing - it's as if nobody's watching. It got really tiring though.

I got introduced to many people, but that was it. Aside from my friend, I only got to enjoy the company of few. I don't know, maybe it just wasn't my crowd or maybe I was just semi left-out. You know the feeling that everybody knows everybody, exchanging hellos and beso besos, getting updates from each other, and you find yourself just out of place. I felt that for a certain period of time. I actually didn't know how to react to a friend who actually approached me and gave me a hug and said: "are you okay? you look like you're out of place." I just smiled, and just thanked him for asking. I wanted to get wasted that night and just lose control of myself, isolating myself from the crowd and be okay with it. Unfortunately, my money was only enough to get me half-drunk and that's it. My head just throbbed like hell.

I don't have an issue with meeting new people. I actually love having new friends. Maybe I felt uneasy, but I guess it's just a natural feeling. You have to have that common ground, and I was struggling to look for it with the people I was with. Apparently, the common denominator that emerged were cigarettes and yup, our uniform army costumes, which we bought from near Camp Crame. But it's all good - I would still love to hang out with them some other time and probably connect to them by then.

Risks, Red Marks, Regrets

2004-10-29T03:11:00.000-07:00

Being a third year college student, taking up Biology, I have already failed sixteen units throughout my whole stay. You might probably wonder how my mom handles this insolence. I end up wondering too.

I have always wanted to become a lawyer - or a broadcast journalist - or simply anything media-related. Any profession that would require me to talk, be heard, be noticed, be criticized. Three years ago, I filled up college application forms. I didn't pass my three top schools therefore I ended up in my fourth and last option, UST. I chose to take up Biology because it's apparently one of the most sought-after courses, in the premiere college of the university. I didn't really do well in science subjects, but nonetheless, I had to LOOK GOOD. I had to give myself a good reputation.

Damn.

Now here I am, sulked in regret. The one feeling that I have always been afraid of - because it only tells you over and over again: : "there's no looking back, so suck it all up". Now I'm trying my best to enjoy my life. I'm struggling to accept the fact that pretty soon I should be considering med school. A life sentence, some would say. However, that doesn't really bother me at all. I'm still on a quest for fulfillment, and I'm not quitting. I may have risked... failed - but I will definitely not choose to live my life in regret. There will be sense in what I'm working hard for, and someday, I would forget that I even wrote this blog.

You and Your Own Redeemer

2004-10-27T04:00:00.000-07:00

My twin brother, as I write this post would be in his tarima or bunk bed watching TV with his fellow residents, nabuburyong or in a state of boredom, sweat-drenched, waiting for their marshal to call them for supper. Just like a prison cell, they are released from their dormitory one by one, each to be inspected by a hygiene officer, implementing stricter rules during visitation hours. On Sundays, my sisters and I keep him company, eat with him, laugh with him, live with him.

He is in a drug rehabilitation institution. My other half has been under the care of pastors and pastoras for about three months now. My brother, aside from gaining weight, is now close to memorizing all the important verses in the Bible.

To add more zest to what I'm writing, let me introduce to you some of his co-residents:

1) Walter - my brother's kuya-kuyahan. He is in his early forties, Chinese descent, married to a Filipina and a father of three. He has an undying infatuation with my sister, 25 years old.
2) Zaldy Omega - your typical promdi: tight jeans, Bench undershirt, silly haircut, Robin Padilla accent. He is one of my brother's best buddies.
3) Al - easily gets aggravated because he has difficulty reading. His co-residents have difficulty understanding him as well. Pikon.
4) Mano - proved to us and his co-residents that looks and built can be quite deceiving. He's a sweetheart, but he calls my brother pipsqueak.
5) Ely - he's been in the institution the longest. Before entering the institution, he was literally a taong grasa. He's mestizo, and now he has a tomahawk haircut and a big belly to boot.
6) Koko - my brother's rival. Graduated high school from La Salle Greenhills, he aspires to be a policeman.
7) Christian Liwanag - dakilang pasaway. He would not follow orders, even wash the dishes with his feet. He looks like Jabba the Hut (did I spell that right? hahaha). He comes from a very rich family, and he hasn't had any visitors for the past few months.
8) Howard - ran a shabu factory before he got admitted. He's gay.
9) Sam - got hooked with morphine. Ulo na lang niya ang walang turok. His veins and arteries would make good kangkong.
10) Untal - he's the wisest man in the institution, according to my brother. He is in isolation.

Quite a crowd huh? I only got the info from my brother - from his endless stories that would seem redundant for some, but always a new discovery for me. When I'm with my brother, I savor every minute, every story, breath we exchange. His spirit rejuvenates me.

However, what's in store for my brother? Is his future bleak? Can someone assure him, or even himself that he would turn away from drugs and live a normal life? My brother is the youngest in the institution. Is it possible that he wouldn't end up like Walter, Sam or maybe Untal? His whole life is ahead of him and he only got 3 more months left in rehab. I fear that he may endure this temporal resting and healing period, but go back to his vice once he's out. Lock him in a cage, starve him. Lecture, enlighten, encourage him. Make him see the world in a different perspective, open his eyes. But... is this enough to FREE him?

No God, nor man can control my brother's destiny. His current will serve his motor.